Redemption
by Skye1963
Summary: Dean comes clean about a horrible thing he did to Sam. Can he be forgiven? noncom/rape, incest, can be triggering, violence,alcohol/drug abuse mentioned


_I don't own the boys, I just borrowed them for a while. _

**Redemption**

"Tonight's the night," Dean thought nervously. "Here is where I have to face what happened and take responsibility for what I've done."

Dean glanced around the small church's basement. Like it has been since the apocalypse, it was full. Though this meeting was very special, no regular humans involved. It took place after midnight and the meeting organizers had to place a special blessing on it so even demons and monsters could attend. Addiction was a universal illness. At this meeting, Dean knew of at least three angels, four shifters, ten hunters, some witches and at least one demon were there. They were all addicted to something but alcohol was the most used and abused.

This was the most comfortable and uncomfortable place Dean had ever found. Comfortable because no-one was ever shocked about the stories told here. A person could talk about decapitating a vampire without people looking at him like he was crazy. The whole room dealt in the supernatural as either a being of that world or a hunter. Uncomfortable because you had to lose your pride, bare your soul, and ask for help. Dean has done that a few times within the past year. Tonight, though, he will be talking about the worst two weeks in his life. It was about the last time he saw his brother.

The meeting progressed like usual: opening blessing, reciting of the 12-Step Program, introduction of new members, letting new members tell how they came to be there. Then it was time for others to purge some of the poison from their souls. A rugaru told how, when he was drunk, he had made the change and killed and eaten his wife and children. He had been abusing them for years. A vampire told of how she became very jealous of a nest mate while she was high on crack. She ended up burning down the house where her nest was sleeping. No one made it out. Meg, the demon who had rescued Dean and put his feet on the path of healing, told how she became addicted to meth soon after her attempt on Crowley's life failed. Now she was hunted. Now, it was Dean's turn.

Nervously, he made his way up front and gratefully sank into the chair that was there. His knees were shaking badly and in this minute, he violently wanted to be gone from here and in a bar, drunk to the gills. He stalled for time to gather his courage. Finally, when he felt he could talk without screaming, he started to talk.

"Hi, my name is Dean W."

"Hi Dean!" Came the response from everyone there.

"I've talked about how my dad raised me and my brother as hunters since my mom died. How he took us from place to place and left us in motel rooms alone since I was ten. It was just my brother and me for the most of the time. Sometimes dad would drop us off at Bobby's or Pastor Jim's to stay for a while but even there, we were basically isolated from others. Even when we went to school, we were alone. Dad taught us to never trust anyone except for each other. I was able to mask my feelings of loneliness by getting drunk or having lots of sex. Sam just disappeared within himself. When I was about nineteen, I found myself with a real problem. You see, I fell in love with the only person who I could trust. Yep, I was a real pervert and fell in love with Sam. I used to watch him all the time. I can still see his eyes and his dimples. I love the expressions on his face any time I could make him laugh or irritate him."

Dean stopped for a minute, trying to collect his thoughts and breathe. The others were quiet, patiently waiting for him to gather his strength and purge his soul. They were gentle with him.

"I masked my feelings with more sex and more booze. Dad didn't see that something was wrong, but Bobby did. Bobby finally talked to me after he asked dad for my help on a hunt. At first, it was like he was trying to pull my teeth. He had to drag each word out of my mouth. Finally, I just couldn't take it and I told him, everything. I sat on his couch and told the only man that I loved as a father that I wanted my baby brother, that I wanted to see Sam's face when I made love to him. I cried so hard that day that my nose started to bleed. Bobby got up from the chair he was sitting on and got a towel from the kitchen. He handed it to me and sat next to me. He put his arms around me and let me cry. He told me that none of this made me a bad person or a monster. He had warned dad years ago about what would happen if he didn't give us a stable home with lots of friends. Bobby got angrier and angrier at dad, ranting about the sins of the father. I guess I must have made a noise cuz he stopped and looked down at me.

"'Dean, this isn't your fault. When love comes to a person, and I'm talking about a pure love, it can't be fought. It can't be hidden from. Usually a person has many chances to find that love among other people. You and Sam didn't have that chance, being raised as you are. If you truly love Sam, try to find a way to let him escape from this life.'

"I should have taken Bobby's advice, but I couldn't. I just clung harder to him. He started to run away and I'd find him and drag him back. Sometimes I would beat him for running but it didn't stop him. When he turned 18, he got the free ride to Stanford. For those four years, dad and I would drive to Stanford to check on him. When I found out about Jessica, I became jealous. I should be in Sam's heart and bed! My chance came when dad disappeared. I went to Stanford and got Sam to help me look for dad. It might have been for only a few days, but I was in heaven. My Sammy was with _me_! We ran into a Woman in White and too soon, the case was resolved and Sam went back to Jessica and his life at Stanford. On his first night home, Jessica was killed on Azazel's orders. I held him while he grieved, all the while happy that Sam would stay with me.

"You all know about that next few years. How he had psychic powers, how he was killed and I made a deal to get him back, how the apocalypse was started and what he did to stop it. How he became insane…"

Dean stopped and wiped his tears off his cheeks. He took a sip of water and started to talk again.

"After Bobby was shot, I started to spiral out of control. I started to take pills along with the increase of my alcohol consumption. I was so absorbed in my own pain that I couldn't see what was happening to Sam. His nightmares and memories were becoming very intense. His vision of Lucifer had become more real to him than I was. He became so far gone, that he started to welcome Lucifer and not see me. Whenever I saw him talking to his imagination, I became angry. I wanted to be what he saw, not anyone else. Instead of being a good brother and get help for him, I moved him to an isolated cabin. For three weeks, I drank heavily, took pills and beat my brother so he would see me. Finally, I came up with an idea. I locked him in a closet and went to get supplies.

"When I got back, I dragged my brother out of that damn closet and put a dog collar on him. I then threw him on the bed and handcuffed him to the headboard. I tied his legs down spread-eagled. I got on top of him to look into his eyes. I could see that he finally saw me. His fear had allowed him clarity for just a moment. When his eyes started to cloud over again, I got pissed even more. I took out my knife and I.I.I." Dean looked at his clenched fist and forced himself to keep talking, "_cut_ off his shirt and played with his nipples. I put my mouth on one of them and sucked and tongued it. Then I did the other one. I looked up into Sam's face and saw fear and revulsion. He was reacting to just me and I loved it. I didn't care that it was fear and not love. It was the _reaction_ I craved. I started to run my hands and tongue up and down his body, reveling in the feeling of his smooth skin. He started to fight the bonds I put him in and I was happy! Oh, God, I was so happy!

"It wasn't until he stopped reacting that I did the unthinkable. I couldn't stand not being in his spot light, so I cut his pants off and then I…._raped_ my brother! I had just enough control to cut his legs free so I could spread them even further apart. I didn't need to jack myself hard, already was. I didn't want to hurt myself so I used spit on my dick before pushing myself into my baby brother. He screamed and screamed and I couldn't stop myself. It took a long time before I came. When I pulled out, I found that I had made Sam bleed. Didn't care, just didn't care."

Dean started to sob. He had kept this secret for a long time. He knew that in order to heal he had to come clean. But, oh boy, was the purge bitter and painful.

"My anger and pain just kept growing. I raped Sam repeatedly that last week. When I was tired, I would chain him to a pipe in the bathroom and go to sleep. When I'd get up, I would think of a few more games. I'd really love to blame Alastair for the torture lessons he gave me while I was in hell, but these games were all me. Sometimes I would get out his belt and beat him sometimes I would use a bat, once I even used a plugged in wire on him. I did this every day and every night I had him in my bed, at my mercy. Sometimes, I would blindfold him to increase his terror. Sometimes I would use stuff other than my own dick to violate Sam. I really didn't care, just wanted a reaction. I didn't let him eat unless he performed for me. I remember holding a piece of candy just out of his reach and telling him he could have it if he sucked me off. And every night he would beg me to kill him. I would tell him that we were in it for the long haul, no coward's way out for us. Then I would go to sleep, listening to the music of my brother's crying.

"That last morning with him, I woke up and found he tried to kill himself by chewing into his own arms. I finally felt remorse. I unchained him and cleaned him up. I got him into some clothes and put him on the couch. I put a blanket on him and watched him for a while. He curled up into a tight ball. I did this to him. I took pure love and perverted it, fouled it so badly. I wrote him a note and like the coward I am, I took off and left my beautiful brother badly hurt on that couch. I knew I could never forgive myself for reducing a hero who died to save this world to a quivering ball of skin, muscles, and blood. I also knew that it was dangerous for Sam that I stay because I could feel my anger building back up. So I left for his safety.

"I traveled from job to job. Half the time I was so blindly drunk, it's a miracle that I survived. Eventually, I ran into a demon who actually did me a huge favor. Instead of killing me, she introduced me to you and became my sponsor. She has taught me that in order to get on track with my life, I needed to atone for the past. So, here I am a year after I quit drinking and taking pills. This last year has been hell. So is every minute, every second but I still fight and I haven't stopped fighting. Thank you very much for your support and help. I'm going to try to find Sam and apologize. I don't know if he will ever forgive me but I'm going to try to earn his love, trust, and forgiveness."

Six months later-

Dean stood at the door of the small home. It took some of his friends to help him find this place and now that he was there, he was scared. He knew Sam was living with a woman whom he loved and who had helped him where Dean could only scar him. He stood there thinking of ways he could talk to Sam but in the end, it was a simple message that was the best. He took the one year medal and put it in an envelope with a message that read, "I'm so sorry and ashamed of myself. I don't know if you can forgive me and I know I don't have the right to ask but I am. I'm staying at the motel in town. If you wish to talk, I'll be there."

He put the envelope on the ground, knocked on the door and quickly got behind a large tree to see what would happen. It seemed forever before the door opened and Sam looked out. Dean watched as Sam looked around with puzzled eyes before seeing the envelope. He reached out and took it. When he opened it, the medal fell out. He picked it up and looked at it, then read the note. Fear crossed his face and he looked around as though he would see Dean standing there ready to finish what he started. After assuring himself that he was safe, he looked at the medal again. Turning it over, he read the words engraved on the back _"No one has ever done anything so bad that it can't be forgiven."_

Dean watched as tears fell out of his brother's eyes. He knew, given time, he would be forgiven by the one person he loved most in the world. He didn't expect Sam to visit tonight or anytime soon, but one day, he would. Dean knew it could even take years but he could wait.

Dean found a note waiting for him when he checked out. All it said was "Jerk". Dean smiled, and then laughed. He knew that this was Sam's way of giving a promise of redemption and forgiveness. Dean left for his next hunt with a lighter heart. His brother, his hero.

_I don't know how AA meetings are arranged but for the sake of this story, I had to arrange it like I did. I also know that recovering from rape is very hard if not impossible to do. I think though, that Sam would forgive his brother. It would just take a lot of time._

_Thank you Diayu Amayu for all your help!_


End file.
